Part X - Damaged Goods

I just got out of the psych ward again, having been there almost a year ago previously to the date...or actually, to the Season.

 

The first time I was put in lockdown, I went home on Palm Sunday. This 2nd time, I came home two days before Palm Sunday. I assume that's a coincidence; but who knows? Either way, the effects of the trauma inflicted upon me as a child continue to wreak havoc with my self-esteem, self-worth, self-image and self-control.

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SUICIDE: I never actually made the attempt; but both times I self-admitted to the ER with suicidal ideations & self harm consisting of me carving words into my own flesh.

• DAMAGED
• FAILURE
• BROKEN
• WORTHLESS
• EPIC FAIL

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I hated myself. Hated what I had become. What the hell had I become?

One of the things I have become is a re-victimized victim, or a victim of my own re-victimization. I both long to be free of my victimhood; yet find a strange sense of comfort in remaining a victim. At least as a victim, I more or less know what to expect. Self-fulfilling prophecy. That's what you can expect if you always anticipate someone is going to victimize you. I'm not talking some crazy paranoia here, although, having been admitted to the psych ward twice, I guess I am a bit crazy...but it's not I believe everybody is out to get me; but rather that I don't have a chance and I am destined to fail.

As I continue my own study on the continuing effects of childhood sexual abuse, I find that my behavior is not all that abnormal...at least not for survivors. The cutting, the suicidal ideation (and often successful suicide attempts), the excessive self-criticism coming from a felt need to say, think, do, live every second of my life as close to perfection as possible, the guilt, the shame and the suppressed anger and rage. All of this has been pushed down inside of me and it is being carried on the shoulders of "little Gary" ...my child-self who is still trapped inside this hulking, overweight adult frame.

I'm on psychiatric medication and currently seeing 2 therapists and a psychiatrist for my PTSD, Depression, Anxiety and Panic disorders. I am awaiting approval of Disability through the Social Security office...not because I don't want to work and certainly not because I can live without an income; but because, right now, I'm too much of a basket case to put in a consistent block of hours every week. Just consider this blog: I started writing this entry within a few days of being released from the hospital and I am just finishing it now...3 weeks later??

I hope to not be so foolish or careless to blame all of my problems as an adult on the abuse; but I continue to learn every single day just how much of my current behavior is somehow linked to my past..is somehow connected in one way or another to the abuse and my continued and failed coping mechanisms for dealing with that abuse.

I want to believe that it can and it does get better; but right now I'm just moving forward in faith, hoping that some day at least some of this will make sense and I will finally be free of the secrets and the sickness of my childhood (or lack thereof).