2 days after my last blog entry, October 31 2012, I attempted suicide by combining alcohol, large amounts of candy, straight up granulated as well brown sugar (I'm diabetic) and an overdose of prescription drugs. It didn't work. Obviously.
A few days later I was in another psych ward. 4th time in 1-1/2 years.
Since then, I've pretty much leveled out with regards to my mental/behavioral health issues. A combination of medication (which took quite awhile to get the "right cocktail"), therapy, getting back involved in a local church, local ministries including Christian 12 Step Celebrate Recovery... and I'm closer to functional, maybe even employable soon. Hopefully.
I still get set off by triggers; but I'm learning to recognize and avoid them. Looking back, I can see how some of my habits have changed allowing for much more healthy coping mechanisms than I was previously relying upon.
It ain't over yet; but it's better.
I want to reach out to my mother one last time. She's almost 84. I don't think I'll ever to be able to go back home, now that I've publicly outed my abusers. Not even for my Mom's funeral. Especially not for my Mom's funeral. I really don't want to see "them" and I'm sure they don't want to see me. So I plan to send a letter to my Mom with pictures of my kids and me and my wife, and that will probably be it. All done. Over. Another example of how childhood sexual abuse has damaged my life, my relationships.
As I just wrote, it's better; but it ain't over yet.
