I told others over the years about my abuse, usually in vague terms; but it wasn't until I opened up to my therapist in November of 2010 that all the garbage long buried inside of me rose to the surface. As I began to confront my past, I researched for myself the lasting effects of childhood sexual abuse especially with regards to boys abused by men. I was shocked...completely blown away...as I read case study after case study and saw myself in these other men's stories. What, where and how it happened wasn't necessarily the same; but how it affected all these different men from different backgrounds, cultures, economic statuses, etc. was eerily similar to my own experiences. And that experience of likeness continues as I have met with other male survivors and discussed our stories together, face-to-face. Whether the abuse happened only one time or over a period of years, the trauma has apparently affected us in very similar ways.
An article published in a 1994 issue of the Journal of Traumatic Stress by psychologist David Lisak gives a concise overview of the effects of child sex abuse on adult male survivors. It's the first article I read on the subject and immediately identified with the men interviewed.
A common reaction to sexual assault is an ongoing re-victimization of oneself. Once victimized, the survivor continues living in "victim mode". So having resigned myself to "once a victim, always a victim", "been there, done that, got a closet stuffed with 'I Survived...' t-shirts' " I assumed "This is who I am, so I might as well (figuratively) drop my pants and bend over for any and every one."
As a kid I was bullied: first by my 2 oldest siblings (sister and oldest brother), and then throughout my childhood. The bullying continued into adulthood; but I failed to recognize it as such. I became a pushover and a people pleaser. I became very non-confrontational and rarely stood up for my own rights. As a kid, I got in a lot of fights; fights which I did not start. Bullies knew that I was "pickable"...they could smell my weakness and fear. Was I bullied because I was abused? No. I was bullied because I allowed myself to be bullied. I resigned myself to being a victim. No self esteem, no self confidence, no sense of equal standing with my peers. I was a piece of crap waiting to be stepped in and scraped off the shoes of everyone around me. I got beat up by boys and I got beat up by girls. And for whatever reason, at least in elementary school, it seemed every visit to the Principal's office found me getting in trouble for getting beat up, and not the kid who did the beating. The loser of the fight getting in trouble for being in a fight he didn't start. That was me.
I was a victim because I let myself be a victim. No, I'm not entirely blaming myself for all the bad things which have happened to me; but I'm beginning to understand how being sexually abused as a young boy unconsciously (subconsciously?) affected the way I viewed myself as a person. As one who submitted to the whim of his abuser, I became a submissive person. As one who did not fight back, I continued in my passivity. As a boy who had been raped by another boy, I relinquished my manhood. And I have spent my entire life living in the shadow of the abuse, that little boy inside of me still cowering in fear, still feeling awkward, alone and ashamed.
Living my life as a victim, I learned to not expect any better for myself, and in retrospect I see how I actually avoided opportunities that could have freed me from that sense of hopeless and failure because why? why??? maybe because I knew and was comfortable with a life of victimhood and feared this great unknown life of success and happiness. Fear of success and fear of failure add up to failed living. It's not that my entire life has been a failure; but that I have trouble seeing beyond my failures.
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