Part Six - Caught in the Undertow

Scientists say a baby's brain is a fascinating bundle of neurons just waiting to be hard-wired into the intricate circuitry we call the mind. The wiring of the brain begins at birth and continues until age 10 or 12 when it is wired for life, according to these findings. - www.aagc.org

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Between the ages of 6 and 12 years old I was exposed to stimuli, both normal and abnormal, all laying down the psychological, emotional, biological and spiritual foundation upon which the rest of my life has been constructed. Thus, the title of this blog: Deconstructing Gary.


In deconstructing my life, I hope to sort out 

• the good from the bad
• truth from misbelief
• facts from myths
• personal responsibility/accountability from unwarranted shame

that I might reconstruct myself with the right pieces in the right places, so that which hath crippled me in my past would no longer limit me in my todays and tomorrows.

In connecting the dots from my present to my past, I am not looking to excuse my own mistakes, sins, poor decisions or the outright foolishness behind some my behaviors; but rather hope to better navigate my life from this day forward without stumbling down the same old, miserable paths I seem to inadvertently traipse into again and again and again.

Before my abuser was bodily removed from my life by his leaving home to join the military, I had already taken a stand in telling him "I don't want to do this anymore!" And for whatever reason, he stopped. I don't remember feeling especially empowered or anything at that time. I think I was just conflicted inside to the point that I cried out "STOP!!"

I asked him to stop, and stop, he did; before moving far away and out of my life for the rest of my now, adolescent years. However, "stop", I did not. Whether merely repeating an established pattern or that now, having entered puberty, I discovered for myself the pleasure which comes with sexual orgasm; I did not stop. My other brother, the "good brother", and I infrequently continued to act out sexually with one another for a few years before both deciding we could not and would not continue this behavior. I also began to masturbate to porn frequently. Yes, I know...I was a teenager - WHAT ELSE IS NEW?

What else WAS new? I was new, or at least part of me was new. Beginning in the 6th grade, I had a gradual spiritual awakening leading to a very personal faith in a very real Jesus Christ. My family of birth was nominally Christian: we went to church, we celebrated the standard Christian holidays, we paid lip service to a Supreme Being. It was all structure without any substance. But, like waking from a dream, all the vague concepts of my religion came to life for me in a way that forever changed my life. Or maybe I should say that it changed some what of my life.

I don't want to dig too deep into my spiritual conversion, as that is not my intended purpose for writing this blog. I only bring up my faith in Christ because my personal beliefs and the religion (read: dogma, doctrine and culture) related to those beliefs played a role in both my healing as well as my compulsion to hide all of those dark and shameful secrets which did and still threaten to undo me.

So back on point, about the same time I was experiencing this spiritual awakening I was also having a sexual awakening (which most of us call PUBERTY). As I've said, when I was a child I was scared of what would happen if my parents found out about me and my brothers. I feared punishment from my parents and my abuser. As an adolescent with a new found spiritual awakening, my anxiety shifted to fear of a righteous God, as well as fear of what others in and outside of the church would think if they ever stumbled upon my dirty laundry. And thus began a spiritual, emotional and psychological roller coaster ride of pleasure, guilt, shame, remorse, desire, self-indulgence, self disgust, repentance, erotic lust, pleasure, remorse, guilt, guilt, guilt, shame, etcetera ad infinitum.

I imagine some of you nodding your heads right now, as that pattern of giving into desire and reaping shame, entertaining pleasure and reaping guilt is the norm for anyone with any sort of religious upbringing.

So part of this blog entry is about the shame over sexual habits which originated before I could really even understand or enjoy the experience; but which continued in one form or another once I was able to choose for myself to continue what I believed was wrong and sinful and yet felt so incredibly awesome.

The other reason I've documented this part of my life is because it's a segue to later issues with my sexual, social, spiritual and gender identity. My need to keep things buried and secret. My fears which were kept bottled up inside of me, torturing me with no hope for relief. My misbeliefs based on false conclusions grounded upon an unhealthy, unnatural and damaged childhood.


As I stated above, I take full responsibility for my own stupidity; but have also begun to more fully understand how much of the behaviors for which I've borne such shame are connected to corrupted patterns laid down in my childhood. In many ways, I was riding a wave towards the beach before being pulled back out into the ocean of personal struggle.

Pulled back out to the sea where a series of patterns, habits and addictions join together as coping mechanisms...as a ineffective means of treading  water too deep to swim and too far from shore to prevent my own self-destruction.