Part Three - Sexual and Emotional Conflict

Victims of rape often give conflicting testimony of their assault, especially when the abuse happened at the hands of someone they knew and in whom they trusted.

e.g. an adult victim of date rape may find herself questioning her own complicity in the assault.

• On the one hand: "That son of a bitch forced himself on me. He took away my right to choose, to consent, to give myself to him when I was ready. He raped me."
• But on the other hand: "I must have done something wrong. I let myself get drunk. I didn't fight back as hard as I could have. I can't totally blame him. And besides that, I love him."

Children who have been sexually compromised have it even worse.

Think back to when you were 5 or 7 or 10 or even a young adolescent and compare the child you were to the adult you are now. As children, we did not have the capacity to reasonably consent to adult activities (be it getting drunk, having sex or committing a crime). That's one of the reasons minors are held to a different accountability in our justice system. Call it childhood innocence, inexperience, lack of understanding, incapability of abstract thought or plain and simple ignorance: a child cannot be expected to view things as an adult would.

So it was with me. I was conflicted about my role in the abuse  and still am to some degree. Since I participated, was I not also to blame? Since I accepted the bribes of candy and food, did I not also carry some blame? And what about family loyalty with its unspoken code of honor? I didn't want to be a snitch. I was afraid to be a snitch. But since I didn't speak out when I could have, doesn't that mean that it's my own fault this happened to me?

As far as the whole love thing goes, I don't know that I ever really, truly loved my abusive brother. As I've written previously, when we weren't being sexually inappropriate together, he was usually kicking kicking the tar out of me. Not a lot of love; but still some measure of family loyalty, code of brotherhood. (Yeah, he abused me but he's still my brother, still family, still my flesh and blood)

In light of my own personal conflict, it's not difficult for me to understand why more victims don't speak out about their abuse. There are consequences to opening your mouth. On top of that, even now in year 2012, we've still got a whole lot of people who don't want to believe that childhood sexual abuse happens - who would rather believe that the child is exaggerating or is confused. DAMN RIGHT we're confused! And the imposed silence continues to shove us back into our own darkness.

I knew something was wrong when I was a kid. I was pretty sure this didn't happen in other boy's homes, especially after mentioning it to my fellow cub scouts. In being inducted into the secret club of childhood sex, I was automatically disconnected from childhood normalcy. In my mind, in my soul, I was an outsider to the rest of the kids in my neighborhood, in my school, in my extended family. And there was no way back in once you've been initiated into a life of the unspeakable. It wasn't my fault. I couldn't have knowingly chosen to lose my innocence, to quite frankly give up my virginity.

I didn't understand that back then; but I'm beginning to understand it now. I was compromised. I was betrayed. I was exploited. I was taken advantage of. I was used and abused. I wasn't treated like a brother; but as a sex toy. We didn't have consensual sex. I was a living sex doll - no emotions, no feelings, no strings attached, no regrets. Just another tool for his masturbation.

And for all these years I've carried the shame for something I did not choose to do; but was done to me. Over 40 years of shame, of grief, of internal conflict, confusion, corruption. Feeling broken,soiled, defective, dirty, always coming up short. And over 40 years of feeling alone in all of this. SIGH.

Thank God for groups like One Sixth Columbus, SIA and MaleSurvivor.org. I'm grateful for online support from RAINN, ASCA, 1in6.org and The Joyful Heart Foundation (thank you Mariska!) I'm getting closer to 50 years old and finally, now, I'm able to share my story with others who understand and support me.